We just pressed play. Here we go!
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So first, Speedgeek said that Terry Tate was in this movie, and I hate to tell him... but I don't think he is! That was most of the selling factor of this movie. That one thing that wasn't even true.
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I hope Marion is better at playing football than he is at acting. (Cause he kinda sucks at acting.)
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"They don't like you. Nobody likes you." I agree!
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Now Marion needs to shave his face. His football team doesn't want him. His wife's going back to work. He's a stay at home dad. I guess there are no other teams in the league. I have a root beer and Coke ready to go here. I might need something... stronger.
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Apparently Terry Crews wasn't Terry Tate. Nothing is real.
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I want you to show me one person (NOT related to anyone involved with it) who chose to watch this movie on purpose. Besides me, of course, cause I'm dumb.
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I'm gonna be honest. This guy looks like he struggles to WALK. I guess that's why his contract wasn't renewed?
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"We need more dads like you." Dads who bring their daughters to ballet class? Is this set in the '50s?
Oh wait, here comes the part where Terry Tate gets to join the ballet class!
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Do you guys get it?! He's a big dude, and ballerinas are typically small! IT'S FUNNY.
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This world-class athlete just made an attempt to jump toward the smoke alarm. Now THAT was actually kinda funny.
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OK, this is as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe worst. You know who I miss? Jeff Foxworthy. NO! What am I saying?
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"What the heck are you watching?" - my wife
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Tracey Gold alert.
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They keep talking about finding their pot of gold. I hate to tell them... My pot of gold is the end of the movie.
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Yes! Jeff Foxworthy had the Golden Corral. Terry Tate has Little Caesar's!
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Hey Speedgeek. Where is Terry Crews when we need him? In my mind, this is Terry Crews, and the soccer coach is Andy Samberg. Oh, and I'm watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
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This movie does this weird thing where it skips hours and hours, but the actors have like awkward five-second pauses between lines.
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HOLD ON... Mad Dog was the QUARTERBACK??
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Tracey Gold wants him to feel her butt.
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This little girl can keep talking, but all I'm gonna hear is, "Netflix said this movie lasts an hour and 22 minutes."
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"Houston, I think we got a problem," says a man who is not stuck watching this film.
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Cool rolled sleeves, Mad Dog.
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It's never too soon to start preparing for the real world. And the fact that your #90 car might retire less than halfway through the Rolex 24 cause of some dumb burned valve or something.
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OK, by my math, there is less than 20 minutes in this movie, and the soccer season... hasn't started? I'm feeling kind of ripped off.
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Seriously, there's a whole lot that needs to happen in the next 10 minutes or so.
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They just ordered two dozen cupcakes and then left the store without getting them. I have to draw the line there. I'm personally offended.
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They kept saying she would adjust, and she never adjusted. Like me and this movie.
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This feels like something that could've been done in a 30-minute television episode
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But seriously, when he walks, I can feel the pain he's in. He should really get his feet and/or his knees checked out.
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Slow-motion goal scored, and the parents run on the field?
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I think the movie is over and these are bloopers? But they may not be bloopers? And THAT sums up this whole viewing experience! It did at least inform us that he was a defensive player and NOT the quarterback as I originally thought.
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"That was terrible." - my son
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Thanks to everyone who stuck that one out! It was no Crackerjack, but hey... it was short!
18 comments:
BEATS HEADPHONES WITH AN INTEGRAL CHAIN. I NEED THIS.
Hey, man, I was just saying what IMDB said.
"Lester Speight is a film and television actor best known for his portrayal of Terry Tate: Office Linebacker in a series of Reebok commercials that first aired during Super Bowl XXXVII in 2003."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terry_Tate:_Office_Linebacker
I'll admit that I thought Terry Tate was played by Terry Crews...
WAIT... It wasn't Terry Crews???
What is this life even about...?
Marion might be a terrible actor, but his fake beard is ON POINT.
ME, MIKE. I'M HERE WATCHING WITH YOU. But I might be related to Tracey Gold. But hopefully not, because that would make my middle school crush on her SUPER awkward.
A "guest ballerina". Yeah. A real thing that happens. I've been asked at least a dozen times to be a "guest ballerina" at my kids' dance lessons. Which take place on a stage. JUST LIKE IN THIS MOVIE.
I propose a new policy: "every Blogathon movie must contain Jeff Foxworthy". Because I miss him, too.
An SAT analogy:
This movie : Little Caesars :: Crackerjack : Golden Corral
Exactly!
Dang it. The kerfluffle with the #29 Audi getting a 5-minute penalty made me miss a whole bunch of stuff. I looked up just as Tracey Gold was walking off screen. Mad Dog...a quarterback? Did anybody connected with this movie watch a single football game before they made this?
Are you criticizing this cinematic masterpiece??
I would never do such a thing to a FILM (not a "movie", a FILM) that employs Terrell Owens in the cast.
The bonkers thing is: as awful as Crackerjack was, there was a batcrap insanity about it that made it more fun to watch. So many wooden performances on my screen now, I'm afraid it's gonna burst into flames and Smokey the Bear is gonna run in here with a bucket of water.
So, not only did the makers of this movie never watch a game of football before production started, they never watched a game of soccer, either. After a goal, you do not have to "get back on defense" within 5 seconds.
OH NO! A PAPARAZZO! AT THE LOCAL YOUTH SOCCER FIELD! THAT'S A THING THAT HAPPENS!
Goodness. That was terrible. On many levels.
Yeah. I wonder if the people ever made a movie before. The transitions were so bad, and the awkward pauses during the dialogue was brutal.
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